Here are 12 tips for parents to talk to kids about porn with links to resources, articles and further help.
Don’t blame and shame
Keep the lines of communication open
This is important so that you are their first port of call to discuss issues around porn. Children are naturally curious about sex from a young age. Online porn seems like a cool way to learn how to be good at sex. Be open and honest about your own feelings about pornography. Consider talking about your own exposure to porn as a young person, even if it feels uncomfortable.
Have many conversations as they grow older
Kids don’t need one big talk about sex, they need many conversations over time as they go through the teen years. Each must be age appropriate, ask for help if you need it. Fathers and mothers both need to play a role in educating themselves and their kids about the impact of technology today.
How to deal with protests
In addition to these 12 tips for parents to talk to kids about porn, in part 2 we’ll look at 12 responses you can give to common comments and pushback. Kids may protest at first, but many children have told us they would like their parents to impose curfews on their use and give them clear boundaries. You are not doing your child any favours by leaving them ‘literally’ to their own devices. See here for ways to deal with pushback.
Be authoritative rather than authoritarian
Listen to their needs and emotions. Be an ‘authoritative‘ rather than a command and control, ‘authoritarian’ parent. That means speak with knowledge. You’ll have to educate yourself. You will get more buy-in that way. Use this website to help you. This book is a great first step.
Have them cooperate with house rules
Let your children cooperate in making the house rules with you. They are much more likely to stick with the rules if they have helped make them. That way they have skin in the game. Make a family game of doing an occasional detox. For children who are really struggling, look at this child psychiatrist’s website for details on what to do.
Don’t feel guilty about taking assertive action
Try not to feel guilty for taking assertive action with your children. Here is great advice from a child psychiatrist talking specifically about the parental guilt issue. You are not punishing them but giving reasonable boundaries to prevent mental and physical health problems later. Use our 12 tips to talk to your child about porn as a guide. Their mental health and wellbeing are very much in your hands. Arm yourself with knowledge and an open heart to help your child navigate this challenging period of development.
Filters alone won’t protect your child
Recent research suggests that filters alone will not protect your children from accessing online pornography. This parents’ guide emphasises the need to keep the lines of communication open as more important. Making porn harder to access however is always a good start especially with young children. It is worth putting filters on all internet devices and checking on a regular basis that they are working. Check with Childline or your internet provider about the latest advice on filters.
Prevent harassment at school
This is an increasing problem as children access porn at younger and younger ages. Porn is the main reason driving coercive sexting and sexual assault among young people today according to former Chief Constable Simon Bailey. The coercive behaviour children see in pornography is often violent too. It is real violence, not fake. Many kids think this is normal behaviour and that they should copy it. More than 90% is violence against women. Most children don’t realise that the videos are using paid actors, who do as they are told or don’t get paid. Here are some tips about how to prevent and reduce misogyny and harassment among young people at school and college.
Delay giving your child a smartphone
It’s wise to pause and think about when to allow your child a smartphone. We advise to delay it for as long as possible. Mobile phones mean you can stay in contact. While it may seems like a reward for hard work in primary or elementary school to present your child with a smartphone on entering secondary school, observe what it is doing to their academic attainment in the months that follow. Do children really need 24 hour-a-day access to the internet? Can entertainment use be restricted to 60 minutes a day, even as an experiment? That is what works best to help children focus on school work yet stay in touch with events. There are lots of apps to monitor internet usage especially for entertainment purposes. Children 2 years and under should not use screens at all.
Turn off the internet at night
Turn off the internet at night. Or, at the very least, remove all phones, tablets and gaming devices from your child’s bedroom. Lack of restorative sleep is increasing stress, depression and anxiety in many children today. They need a full night’s sleep, eight hours at the very least, to help them integrate the day’s learning, help them grow, make sense of their emotions and feel well.
Billion dollar porn industry designs tech to get your child hooked
Let your children know that porn is designed by multi-billion dollar tech companies to “hook” users without their awareness to form habits that keep them coming back for more. It’s all about keeping their attention. Companies sell and share intimate information about a user’s desires and habits to third parties and advertisers. It is made to be addictive like online gaming, gambling and social media to keep users coming back for more as soon as they are bored or anxious. Do you want questionable porno film directors teaching your children about sex? See this short animation for more details.
These 12 tips to help parents talk to kids about porn is useful to you can be found in our larger free parents’ guide to internet pornography with plenty more resources, tips and information.
