My Child is Watching Porn. What Should I Do?
First – don’t panic. Your child is not alone – the average age for first exposure to pornography is only 11. Children are naturally curious and that is a good thing. Past generations may have looked up ‘dirty words’ in the dictionary or stolen a copy of Playboy to pass round in the playground, now they are accessing much more explicit material.
Because of the increasingly young age at which children are accessing porn they don’t have the ability to be critical of that information, or make sense of it, or to tell the difference between what’s real or what’s fake. What they are watching is not about fully consensual based on consideration for each other ‘real’ sexual relationships. If this is where they learn about sex they are unfortunately likely to carry this into their future sexual relationships in the belief that what they are watching depicts what ‘real’ sex looks like and the roles they should be taking – and enjoying.
How do they access it? Surely there is some sort of age verification?
Unfortunately, not. The Online Safety Bill, which will make pornography sites verify the age of people logging on to them, will not come into practice for some years – 2025 at the earliest – and in the meantime our children are left unprotected.
It is also important to be aware that children do not just access pornography on pornographic sites such as Pornhub. Messaging sites such as WhatsApp, Kik, Telegram, MeWe and Wickr have end-to-end encryption meaning content is private and even law agencies find it difficult to trace senders who are only identified by their username. Cloud storage apps such as MEGA and SpiderOak also offer privacy so users can upload images and pass them on to other users. These sites and apps have become a favourite way to distribute illegal, pornographic content including pictures of child sexual abuse. Any young person accessing and downloading one of these files would be committing the offence of having in their possession illegal material even though they were not aware of what was in the file.
What harm does ‘normal’ porn do?
A teenager’s brain is ‘wired’ to seek out new, exciting experiences but the more rational part that says, ‘Let’s think about this.’ is still developing. This is not just true of risk-taking behaviour but all interactions. To survive, humans need to reproduce, so the push to seek out sexual relationships comes with puberty without the considerations that come with maturity. If the developing brain is flooded with images gained through hours of consuming pornography, patterns can be set for the future as the development is not made through meeting other young people and making relationships based on getting to know and like each other but on solitary masturbation in front of a screen.
Even the briefest of internet searches for pornography will throw up scenes of violence and degradation. This can give very skewed impression as to what grown up relationships should be. We are also very aware of how important body image is for our youngsters and what they see on these sites can lead to negative comparisons as well as giving very wrong expectations to teenagers as to what their partner should look like and what they should be willing to do. MY CHILD IS
Consistent use of porn can also lead to difficulty in forming ‘real’ relationships – both physically and emotionally. How can one partner offer the same variety and excitement that a click on a porn site can? And that constant seeking for new pleasures can take users down a dark path as ‘ordinary’ porn becomes unexciting.
Porn addiction is becoming increasingly common among young people. Not every person that watches porn will develop an addiction but some will and most people that become addicted will start watching it from an early age.
So what do I do?
The most important message is to talk to your child.
- Be natural and straightforward – easier said than done! Try not to show your own anxiety as your child is less likely to say they have seen a sexual image. Good time to do this is when there is no eye contact e.g. in a car or in response to something you are watching together.
- Never assume that your internet security will stop them accessing pornography.
- Be on the lookout for teachable moments Talking about issues as they come up on TV, in films or online can help to give you the opportunity to start an age-appropriate conversation about their bodies and what healthy relationships look like.
- Give them positive messages Talk to them about loving sexual relationships and how to have respect for themselves and their boyfriend, girlfriend or partner.
- Talk to them about their experiences A deep discussion on pornography isn’t recommended for younger children but start conversations at a very early age about relationships being about kindness and looking after each other. However, make sure that they know they can come and talk to you – and that you won’t overreact or be shocked by whatever they tell you.
- Take a no-blame approach Recognise that children are naturally curious about sex and like to explore.
- Talk about consent – especially with your sons.
- Don’t frighten them with talks of illegality but take the opportunity when it arises – perhaps through a TV or news programme – to point out possible consequences.
Pornographers are speaking to our children about what a healthy sexual relationship looks like before we are, so we have to make sure that we speak to them too.
According to research about parental mediation on this subject, the conclusions are:
“Parents who communicate regularly and respectfully, showing interest in their children, while explaining the reasons for their boundaries, have the best chance of reducing problematic behaviours in their teenagers. Overbearing, strict, controlling parents have a neutral to negative impact on problematic behaviours.” (Dr. Marshall Ballantine-Jones.)
There is much fuller information available through clicking on the button below …
Photos by Steinar Engeland and Gabriel Tovar on Unsplash